Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park

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aka Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park

While Kiss is attacked by Phantoms and they do meet someone (Devereux) who fits the Phantom of the Park description, neither event is a fair description of the events of the movie. (It's almost like naming Star Wars Episode II "Attack of the Clones" or something.) The Phantom of the Opera allusion (fired employee, driven mad, vows revenge on park/ performers who've replaced him) makes more sense than the "Attack of the Phantoms," and I wonder if that's why it was marketed under that title everywhere it appeared after its initial broadcast on NBC on October 28, 1978.

Not that the accuracy of the title is the problem.

I imagine it would have been better received if it was a cartoon instead of live-action. (Critically, I mean; as far as viewers went, accounts vary. It was either the second-most watched TV event of 1978 (behind Roots) or the 5th. Or maybe neither of those, I can't find any two lists that agree with one another.) But probably not by much. It's a big ol' mess.

Gene Gene the dancing machine. All of his vocals are modulated with this weird reverb effect which is meant to make him seem otherworldly. Or something.

While Peter's are overdubbed entirely. Either on account of his accent or his no-show during ADR looping. Opinions differ.

Michael Bell, aka this dude from "Encounter at Farpoint," provides the Catman's dialogue.

No one overdubs Ace's vocals, so his impenetrable Bronx-ese comes through as loud and as unclear as ever.

The screenwriters followed Kiss around for an afternoon to get a sense of how they talked, and Ace, who was sometimes "uncommunicative," said nothing but "Awk!" whenever they tried to engage him. When the script was delivered for the band's approval, Ace threatened not to do the film unless he was given some dialogue. It's funny that the above is how this went down, as no one else in the band sounds anything like themselves (or any rock star anywhere,) yet Space Ace is recognizably himself every time you see him. (Well, except when he's played by his stunt double.)

"Hi, Curly."

And then came Paul.

I read a couple of reviews out there that do a good job of detailing how and where the film goes off the rails (of which this is perhaps the best.) If you've never seen it and are wondering if you should do so before reading on, I get the impression that plot detail wasn't a major concern for anyone involved in this production, so I can't see how it would matter for anyone else.

Among other things, the continuity is consistently confused.

The plot and pacing are similarly baffling. I guess it's meant to follow the logic of musicals or Scooby Doo, where a certain suspension of disbelief is written into the proceedings. (And for the record, had this been a joint venture with Scooby Doo, that would have improved things considerably.) Viewed through either of those lenses, of course it doesn't matter that the band gets on a merry-go-round in one scene and is on a roller coaster in the next.

But in a musical (or Scooby Doo) the people on-screen usually sing a song to help the viewer over the hump of these flights of fancy. (Or everyone breaks into a big dance number or whatever you like.) Here, the music of Kiss is played throughout, but rarely does the song chosen match the mood or need of the scene in any way. And they only perform live - well, "live" - at the very end. I think this is the film's only truly unforgivable aspect: the sound design undermines itself at every turn.

Just a few examples:

- I love both Ace's "New York Groove" and Peter's "That's the Kind of Sugar Papa Likes," but why anyone thought either would be good "fight scene" music is the type of decision I'd love to read an explanation for. Like the Ancient Egyptians, though, Gene and Paul prefer to dwell only on their victories, so no commentary track or further explanation is likely forthcoming.

- Devereux, the villain, is shown wandering under the support beams of the roller coaster to the strands of Gene's nostalgic "Mister Make Believe."

Anthony Zerbe. (Another Trek connection.)

But at no point is Devereux written sympathetically, so associating him with that song (and making such a deliberate point of it) undermines his actual function in the story. And it's even repeated at the end, after his one-dimensionality has been well-established.

He spends most of the film speaking to himself in (bad) super-villain monologue and asking Kiss, whose progress across the park he is tracking on his computers, silly questions and toying with them in pointless ways.

- Finally, when the robot Kiss doppelgangers take the stage and sing a mirror universe version of "Hotter Than Hell" things get especially confusing.

First, the band's performance is not sufficiently different (or "evil") enough to justify the many shouts of "Stop acting like that! Get off the stage!" we hear from the crowd.

Despite the staggering terror of these screencaps, there's no reason anyone in the crowd would notice anything was different.

 

Second, the switch from crowd disapproval to Nuremberg-esque response is far too abrupt. And only because the aforementioned "Get off the stage!" shouts are prominent in the mix. One minute the crowd seems like it's going to storm the stage to tear the fake-Kiss limb-from-limb and then in the next overhead shot, thousands of fist-pumping, chanting followers are hypnotized and ready to destroy.

Third, with regard to the changed lyrics, ("Rip, rip... rip and de-stroy!") could this be more awkward? It's time for everyone to listen good / we've taken all we can stand / we've got the power to tear down these walls / it's in the palm of your hand. As with the band's "evil" performance, why would anyone assume from hearing this that the message is to tear down the park? And why would an evil genius so garble his call for the park's destruction?

I could be charitable and say Devereux wanted to pick lyrics that would fit right in on a Kiss record. And it's true - when they moved away from sexual subject matter, Kiss had (and has) difficulty conveying any sort of clear message. But I think that would be crediting Devereux (and the screenwriters) with an attention to detail nothing else in the film demonstrates.

- And so on and so on.

This sort of mixed audiovisual messaging lends some unintentional humor in spots. The scene where Peter and Paul give a poolside serenade to Melissa (who was too Plain Jane for such an honor, according to Peter Criss in his memoir) while Ace and Gene silently look on, is wonderfully weird.

Particularly when Melissa leaves, and Kiss remains behind, maintaining some kind of wordless vigil over the pool area. The eternal lifeguards of rock and roll.

Deborah Ryan While we're here, let's get the rest of the non-Kiss cast out of the way:

Godfather vet Carmine Caridi plays Richards, the Park owner.

Melissa's boyfriend, Sam, is played by Terry Lester, the last of our Trek connections.

And perennial-80s-movie-presence Brion James plays one of the Park guards. (It is strongly suggested in Ace's memoir that the late Mr. James was his coke dealer on set.)

He gets one-half of the immortal exchange: "Oh, that's underground."

"Yeah. Waaaaaay underground."

Apparently following the don't-show-the-monster-until-the-2nd-reel rule, the film opens with most of the above characters interacting and no Kiss. And when Kiss does show up, they materialize over the park like The Three Storms. They're not just guys playing a concert but actual sci-fi sorcerers with super-powers.

"Hey, it worked for Magical Mystery Tour!" someone probably said. And no one was around to contradict him.

This particular aspect of Phantoms is very 70s Marvel.

 

Paul rather adorably wanted to shoot laser beams from his eye throughout the late 70s tours. This never materialized, but they more than make up for it, here, where every other scene has Paul using his special laser-eye power for some purpose or another. 

 

 

Why they have these powers and how they got them is never satisfactorily explained, but as Peter (presumably thinking This chick is nowhere near hot enough to hear our origin story like this...! the whole time) helpfully explains to Melissa within range of Devereux's listening devices, without his respective Talisman, each member of Kiss is just an "ordinary human."

 

   

Is all of this any fun to watch? Your mileage, as they say, may vary. I wish Nicolas Roeg had directed it. (Or edited it, more precisely.) But I get a kick out of bloated vanity projects of this particular era. And while it be more interesting as a relic of said era than as a story, its re-watchability factor for me is high.

Peter looked for any chance he could get to storm off set and lock himself in his trailer with then-mistress/ later ex-wife Debra Jensen, a mountain of blow and shopping bags of pharmaceuticals.

As a result, as with Ace, a stand-in had to be used.

As a Kiss fan, I like the fact that the movie exists, as bad as it is, and I honestly think the best thing these guys could do in 2014 is make a sequel. Another TV movie, with the original cast, just as goofy, same location, same everything. Take a page out of Shatner's book and have some fun with themselves. Yet another project I'd greenlight in a second were I an eccentric Hollywood type.

We watch you while you sleep...

Unintentional (I imagine) meta-narrative on Kiss in 1978.

Directed by Gordon Hessler. Written by Jan Michael Sherman and Don Buday.

 

 

Space Ace: My Favorites

Let's turn our attention to Our Man from Jendell, the Spaceman himself, Mr. Ace Frehley. One of only a handful of known extra-terrestrials active on Planet Earth today. And my favorite example of that curious specimen: the Rock Star Guitar God.

This isn't an overview of his Kiss work nor a biography, although aspects of both will undoubtedly come up. It's just a list of my 20 favorite Ace songs. Given the relative obscurity of some of these tunes, I've included links to each song for reference but only one of the official music videos ("New York Groove.") They're there if you want them, or feel free to skip them.

In 1978, each member of Kiss released a solo album on the same day. Ace's is not only the best but also among my personal top 5 hard rock/ metal albums of the 20th century.

(The others, you ask? Def Leppard's Pyromania, Fifth Angel's Fifth Angel, Iron Maiden's Brave New World, and Black Sabbath's Sabbath Bloody Sabbath. And an honorable mention for Saxon's Crusader. Amen.)

Ace wanted out of the band (as did Peter) and he clearly had a great time recording it. Its success must have been exceptionally gratifying. It's a bit like All Things Must Pass by George Harrison. In the same way George had all of these great tunes that he could never get on a Beatles record because of John and Paul, Ace had a similar backlog for similar reasons.

Ace formally left Kiss in 1982 and formed Frehley's Comet (a name I always thought was great.) They released two studio albums and a couple of live efforts.

There's a sense of diminishing return in Ace's solo career. I loved the crap out of Trouble Walkin' when it came out: 

 

But while it (and the Frehley's Comet records) have some moments of brilliance, they are mostly unremarkable. Which isn't to take away from them - and I think Trouble Walkin' is better than Crazy Nights or Hot in the Shade, by way of comparison - it's just acknowledging how high the bar was set with the 1978 one. Saleswise, Ace's '78 album rules the roost, and the others range from minor hits to duds, unfortunately.

Recorded after the Space Ace finally got clean after decades of flying high, 2009's Anomaly breaks the pattern somewhat. 

No one would confuse it with Ace Frehley (1978) but it's a solid record and the ratio of great-tunes-to-meh is a happy surprise. Fun cover.

And the CD packaging folds into a pyramid, to boot.

It's interesting to consider what might have happened had Ace left the band when he wanted to in the late 70s. The tunes that ended up on Kiss records (Talk To Me, Two Sides of the Coin, Torpedo Girl, 2000 Man, Save Your Love, Hard Times, Dark Light, Escape from the Island) would likely have been on his follow-up to the '78 album. That would have made a pretty formidable one-two punch. How would the 80s have been different, both for Ace and for Kiss? Certainly better than the one-two of Ace Frehley followed by Frehley's Comet, and, without Ace's tunes on either record, immensely better than the one-two Kiss would have had with Dynasty and Unmasked. 

I'd love to peek into an alternate reality where the above is what happened instead of what happened in ours. 

But let us however-reluctantly stick to this universe for now.

Here are my favorite solo-Ace tunes, least to most. (Honorable mention for "Fractured Too," which I do very much enjoy, but I already have all the other "Fractured"s on here, so it's well-represented.)

20. 2 Young 2 Die (from Trouble Walkin') Ace was always pretty generous with letting friends and guests share the spotlight and stage. This makes Frehley's Comet, Second Sighting and Trouble Walkin' a bit uneven, though, as Richie Scarlet (who sings this one) and Tod Howarth, who gets a lot of space on the Frehley's Comet records, have very different styles than Ace.

This is a fun little track, though, and Peter Criss sings back-up. (Allegedly. It's tough to pick him out.) All in all, a little bit of non-Ace stuff goes a long way. This is the only non-Ace tune on Trouble Walkin', whereas Howarth sings like four or five songs on Second Sighting alone.

19. Separate (from Second Sighting) This isn't an especially fantastic track, and the video linked-to is of poor quality. But what can I say? It's a list of favorites, not suggestions for an Academy of St. Martin in the Fields retrospective.

18. Juvenile Delinquent (from Second Sighting) And same goes for this one. I cut a lot of lawns to this cassette! This tune cracks me up. I felt at the time that this was good, empowering advice.

17.5. "Into the Night" (from Frehley's Comet) (EDIT: I forgot about this one, but thanks to longtime pal and DSO reader Michael Haeflinger, I now remember. I apologize to the Celestial Court of Rock and Roll for my negligence.)

17. Fox on the Run (from Anomaly) Unlike "2000 Man" or the one coming up a little further in the countdown, I was very familiar with the original of this tune before hearing this version. But Ace brings his characteristic flair to things - nothing very surprising, but fun and perfectly acceptable. 

16. Change the World (from Anomaly) This didn't make my original list. But I found myself singing it to myself a lot, the past few days, so I've convinced myself it belongs here. It's a nice little tune. The melody is kind of the same thing as the riff for "Separate." But who cares.

15. The Acorn is Spinning (from Second Sighting) Fun instrumental track with a story, narrated by Ace in his otherworldly Bronx accent. Around the time this came out, the band Hurricane (who kind of came and went but that was another lawn-cutting cassette indelibly burned on my brain) had a song called "Baby Snakes" which followed the same sort of pattern. The two songs are not very alike musically, just the whole story-laid-over-guitar-heavy-instrumental approach, I mean.

14. Foxy and Free (from Anomaly) Not sure if Ace was going for a fox theme with Anomaly, or it's just a coincidence that this and "Fox on the Run" are on the same record. Probably just a coincidence. Kiss does that kind of stuff often. I always chuckle when I scan the track listings on an album and see "Night," (as on Crazy Nights) "Rock," (everywhere) or a fire theme (as on Animalize) jump out at me. (That last one most especially. "We have all these fire-themed tunes, what should we name the album? ANIMALIZE.") 

Anyway, this is a great riff. Ace always brings it with the opening tracks on his records.

13. Fractured III (from Trouble Walkin') While Second Sighting's "Fractured Too" is atmospheric but somewhat tough to whistle, this version adds a takeaway melody, so I like it a little better.

12. Rock Soldiers (from Frehley's Comet) The AV Club had a bit of fun at Ace's expense (not unreasonably) for being so proud of the lyrics to this one that he reproduced them in full for his memoir. But why shouldn't he be? They're ridiculous, but they're kinda perfectly ridiculous, if you know what I mean. He lets the devil know at the end in no uncertain terms that if he wants to play his satanic card game now "he's gonna play without an Ace in his deck." Hell has never been the same.

11. Space Bear (from Anomaly) I'll probably bring up my buddy Kevin in every one of these blogs; he's sort of inseparable from my Kiss appreciation. He got me this CD when it came out and swung by the bar I was running at the time. After I closed up, I locked the doors, and put it on the stereo while we drank beers and shot some pool. When we got to this song, Kevin let out a perfectly-timed "Spaaaace Beeeaarrr!" in a good approximation of Ace's cadence, and I still recall it and laugh everytime I hear it. I recommend this approach.

A swaggering instrumental. Nobody's reinventing the wheel here, but it's fun to roll and gets you where you need to go even if you didn't know you wanted to get there. This is not just me being cute. This really is like a massage for a muscle you didn't realize was so tense. There is a critical lack of things like "Space Bear" in the musical ether these days. (UPDATE: The Japanese-import version has some fun sound fx and Ace's re-creation of his manic appearance on Tom Snyder, above. "I'm the owner of the only Ssshpace Bear in captivity!")

10. Genghis Khan (from Anomaly) It's amusing to imagine a newly sober Ace reading about Genghis Khan, perhaps even pondering the Battle of Ain Jalut and why we're not all speaking Chinese today, and writing this song. But it's likely a reference to how the other guys in Kiss thought he was Mongolian when they first met him. No lyrics to speak of really except "So long, Genghis Khan, now you're gone." I'd be curious to know what (if any) the inspiration for this track is.

9. Dolls (from Frehley's Comet) Okay, so I was only 13 or so when I got into this song, and I sincerely believed it was about Ace having a doll collection. I used to wonder what dolls - G.I. Joes? Kiss dolls? Star Wars figures? Raggedy Anns? - and was charmed by the idea of this huge rock star singing to the world about how he loved his dolls and didn't care who knew it. Of course, the dolls are metaphors for pills or for chicks, or both. But I still like to think of Ace waking up, surrounded by mechanical dolls that clean up the room "so sweet-ly, neat-ly" while he takes a shower.

8. Trouble Walkin’ (from Trouble Walkin') Pretty self-explanatory. I am trouble walkin' / every mother's nightmare, riff, solo, rinse wash repeat. Whoah-oh-oh-whoah-whoah-oh-oh! OH! But fun. 10th and 11th grade would've been exponentially lamer if I hadn't had this to listen to.

Gene Colan's take on the Spaceman from Howard the Duck #14.

7. Sister (from Anomaly) This is a great rock tune. It seems from the title and the first verse to be about a girl with whom Ace's buddies think he's carrying on but then he sings Look Out! and the rest of it is more a I can't change / I can't re-arrange sort of message. Which is a bit out of step with the tone of the rest of the record, lyrically. I'm not sure what to make of it all, but the riff/ rocking is très cool.

6. Do Ya (from Trouble Walkin') This version was my first exposure to the song and consequently the original never sounds right to me. That's unfair, of course, but so it goes. Do ya do ya want the ACE? he asks us at the end. A question for the ages.

5. Fractured Quantum (from Anomaly) Just a sweet slice of guitar instrumental. Ace doesn't quite get the credit he deserves for the variety of moods and sensitivity he can bring to the table. (Of course, he also wrote "Rocket Ride," so, you know. We all make our beds.)

4. Shot Full of Rock (from Trouble Walkin') I always misheard the line "Taste the hard rock candy / guaranteed to melt in your mouth." I thought he was singing "Take the hard rock challenge," like the Pepsi Challenge or something, and was always confused by the follow-up line. I like my version slightly better, but nevertheless, this is the kind of rock-ass rocker no one really makes anymore. (I originally meant to write "kick-ass rocker" but "rock-ass" seems even closer to the point, so I'm leaving it.) One of my favorite outros in the hard rock canon, right up there with King Crimson's "Lament" or Oasis's "Rock and Roll Star."

3. Outer Space (from Anomaly) Here's another one that's charting higher than I expected. It made my original list and then a few more listens catapulted it all the way to the #3 spot. 

I think it's a dig at Wendy Moore, who wrote a tell-all book about her time shooting up with the Space Ace on the Psycho Circus tour, but it doesn't have to be. It could just be about an alien who came to Earth, got sick of the place, and returned to orbit to blow it all up from space.

"This place is gonna be fried."

2. Insane (from Second Sighting) The music video is pretty shameless. Slutty nurses and bad behavior, and Ace looks a mess. Everyone's sure having a great time, though. I pilfered the line "I live five days to your one" for the Boat Chips tune "Slow Cooker:" "I cook two-and-a-half to your one." Sorry about that, Ace.

At any rate, it's too bad this never was a huge hit, because as riffs/ shout-along rockers go, it's one of my go-tos. And you know it's tru-oo-ue, YEAH! So LISTEN!

The top spot in our countdown is a bit of a cheat, as I'm nominating the entire solo album from 1978. If these were Kiss tunes- which I guess technically they're considered to be, though not by me - they'd push all but "Torpedo Girl" and a handful of others out of the way.

1.9 Wiped Out Ace was notorious about getting wasted and driving his car too fast. And usually crashing it. It may seem wildly irresponsible to write a badass riff-monster-slog celebrating the behavior instead of trying to atone for it (which he does on "Rock Soldiers") but this album is not about apologies or explanations. If you ever want to approximate what it feels like to be rich, 'luded/coked to the gills, and drinking tequila at 90 miles per hour with Playboy models and biker chicks on all sides without any of the consequences (or STDs) this is the one to crank.

1.8 I’m in Need of Love So turn me on. Pretty to the point. I'll always have a soft spot for this one. I once got to an ex-girlfriend's house much later than I'd said I'd be there - and more than half in the bag, I must confess - and thought it'd be a good idea to serenade her with this one from her front porch. It actually worked; she thought it was funny and totally neutralized her anger. Thanks, Ace! (I passed out moments later; the anger had returned by the time I woke up.)

1.7 Rip It Out Great album opener. Ace's "I hope you suffer" line is perhaps ungracious, but hey, we've all been there.

1.6 New York Groove

It's not an Ace original, but it was Ace's one bona-fide solo hit and is probably popularly associated with him more than it is with Russ Ballard (who wrote it) or Hello (who first performed it.)

Much speculation on why 3rd and 43 is name-checked in the song. Was it where Ace met his dealer? Picked up hookers? Enjoyed a sandwich? Who knows.

Here's the Street View from Google - looks tame to me.

But Ace was a product of pre-Guiliani NYC; I'm sure it looked (and felt) much different then.

1.5 What’s On Your Mind? I mentioned when doing the album-by-album overview that "Talk To Me" was one of 2 Ace songs that should be in every teen movie ever made. This is the other one. Specifically, for a montage. Another fantastic outro on this one.

1.4 Snowblind As with "Wiped Out," not a particularly remorseful tune about getting obliviated, but so what? Along with "Mirror in the Bathroom" by the English Beat, the entire Be Here Now album by Oasis, and "Tusk" by Fleetwood Mac, probably my favorite cautionary tale (even if it's not very cautionary) of wild cocaine livin'. The riff will never leave your head, and Anton Fig's drums never sounded better. This is rock and roll, folks, and it doesn't get much better.

1.3 Fractured Mirror Whenever I hear this, I picture it at the end of a Kiss biopic, with Ed Norton (maybe Edward James Olmos) playing Ace Frehley. It's the height of their fame, power, and debauchery, and Ace is breaking down in the dressing room. Everything is in shambles, and as he tries to get it together for the encore, with the crowd thundering through the walls, he espies his fractured reflection - make-up smeared, hair caked with cocaine, fists bloodied - in the shards of mirror on the floor. This coincides with right when the guitar synth kicks in, around the 2:30 minute mark.

A bit on-the-nose, (no pun intended) but that'd be cool. If I could go back in time and convince Oliver Stone to make Kiss instead of The Doors, it'd almost be worth losing that masterpiece to see what he'd have made with the idea while at the height of his powers.

Gene and Paul, of course, will never allow a Kiss biopic to be made that they don't control and certainly not one that filters the experience through the lens of the Spaceman.

1.2 Speeding Back to My Baby As long as I live, I will consider "Speeding back to my baby / and I don't mean maybe" the greatest couplet ever written. (Right up there with Vonnegut's "When the tupelo / goes poop-a-lo / I'll come back to youp-a-lo" from Timequake) If Shakespeare had lived in a world of combustible engines, he'd have penned the same line. Fantastic production, soloing, riff, rhythm, you name it. As far as rock tunes celebrating vehicular velocity are concerned, this is right up there with "Highway Star" and "I Can't Drive 55."

And finally (drumroll, please)

1.1 Ozone Gene and Paul were (understandably, for the most part) disapproving of Ace's and Peter's hard-partying ways, and as the band realized more and more income from prepubescent fans buying their merch, Gene in particular tried to keep a tight lid on the public's knowledge of just how out of control the partying had gotten by 1978. Ace, however, didn't really give a shit. And if anyone needed proof of that, here it is. He might as well be screaming this right in Gene's face.

It might seem a little adolescent or misguided. But hey, so was Rimbaud, and he's taught the world over. As confessional odes to lewd behavior go, this is my favorite.

If this song was only an unapologetic middle finger extended to Gene, it'd be amusing but shrugworthy. (Or even a bit pathetic, like Guns 'n' Roses's "Get in the Ring," a song I nonetheless enjoy.) But it's hard to imagine how this could be more awesome. It's the opposite of subtle, and it's irresistible. One's head nods and one's fist rises in the traditional metal gesture (with pinkies extended) involuntarily when cranked. 

Proven to heal minor cuts and abrasions! Guaranteed to please! Will power your car when you run out of petrol.

Crank with abandon, and often.

~

This has been ALL YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT ACE FREHLEY'S SOLO CATALOG BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK.

This should read "Awk!" not "Ack." It seems like too much bother to fix. So, "Ack!"