1.31.2020

The Office: Christmas Episodes

Today, and over a month out of season, let's have a look at:




CHRISTMAS EPISODES,
LEAST-TO-MOST



There's only seven of them. The Office was one of my favorite shows for most of its existence, but only one of the episodes below would overlap on a post about my favorite episodes of the overall series. Which means, for one of my favorite shows, I'm mostly looking at some of my non-favorite episodes. I've been trying to figure out why this post is taking me forever to finish and I bet it has something to do with this. 

Now that I've sold you the sizzle! Let's start at the bottom:


7.
"Dwight Christmas"
Directed by Charles MacDougall. Written by Robert Padnick. 
s9, e9 (2012)


When the Party Planning Committee fails to put together a Christmas party, Dwight steps up to throw a Shrute Family Christmas, replete with traditional fare (hog maw and gluhwein, also used to sterilize medical instruments) and himself dressed up as Belsnickel. Pete learns Erin has never seen Die Hard, and Jim prepares for his new job in Philadelphia. 

This one's enjoyable, but its best bits are retreads of better bits from earlier seasons. That's kind of the general vibe of the last two seasons overall. Either that or everyone struggles to sell new dimensions they're given. Or they just go nowhere.

A good example of that last point is Toby and the Scranton Strangler, one of the more baffling near-storylines the show ever attempted. They made it such a conspicuous thing for so long. Why? So Toby could become a bore on the subject? How many miles did they seriously expect to get out of that, and why the multiyear run-up to it?

Dwight's Pennsylvania German pageantry is all fine enough, but the later seasons's general direction of Dwight and Jim becoming bestich menschen never lands with me. The funniest bit is at the end when Darryl crashes through the table. It's set up way too much throughout the episode, but the physical comedy payoff is funny. I tried and failed to screencap it but here's a link to the gif


6.
"Moroccan Christmas"
Directed by Paul Feig. Written by Justin Spitzer.
s5, e11 (2008)

Phyllis, now head of the Party Planning Committee, throws a Moroccan-themed Christmas party as head of the Party Planning Committee, infuriating former head Angela. Meredith gets drunk and accidentally sets her hair on fire, leading Michael to stage an unsuccessful intervention over everyone's objections. Meanwhile, Dwight makes money by taking advantage of the latest toy craze, a Princess Unicorn doll.

Liked this one less than remembered. There was a whole dark underside to the Andy and Angela / Dwight cuckolding that I never liked.  This monologue of Andy's great, though:


"When I was in college, I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was 'Puke.' I would chug a fifth of SoCo, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskis, some jell-o shots. Do some body shots off myself. Pass out, wake up the next morning, boot, rally, more SoCo, head to class. Probably gotten expelled if I'd let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me 'Ace.' It was totally awesome. I got straight "B"s. They called me 'Buzz.'"

Most of the episode isn't funny, but there are a few bits worth mentioning:

- Dwight's disgust at the Princess Unicorn phenomenon (“How does that happen? A king had sex with a unicorn? A man with a horn had sex with a  royal horse?”) and with Michael's knowing the theme song. 

“Have you ever under the influence of alcohol questioned the teachings of the Mormon Church?”

- Two Michael facts: (1) He invented the screwdriver, sorry the “orangevodjuiceka.” (2) He celebrates Groundhog Day privately.


Great opening bit, as well.

The rest is mainly Michael in stubbornly clueless mode, which is usually well worth it, but it never really goes anywhere. “I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom” is funny but not the whole thwarted-take-her-to-rehab stuff, where Meredith screams unfunnily for a small eternity of screentime. 

5.
"Classy Christmas"
Directed by Rainn Wilson. Written by Mindy Kaling.
s7, e11 (2010)

Michael couldn't be happier when Toby takes a leave of absence and Corporate sends Holly to cover for him. Michael forces Pam to plan a second, classy Christmas party on the day Holly returns to Scranton. Unfortunately she's still with A.J. so Michael spirals downward. Jim agrees to a snowball fight with Dwight, which he later regrets.

Moments stray into A territory, but overall it's uneven. Michael (that is to say Steve Carrell) saves it, but it's really not one one of my top five Michael and Holly episodes, either. 


"She's one sassy black lady!"
- Creed, with regard to Holly.


Note: not a sassy black lady. You know this, but for those who don't.

My favorite joke is either when Michael sees the fake Christmas tree and demands Pam get a real one. ("A person from New Hampshire sees that and thinks it's a burning cross.") or when Andy volunteers Darryl's truck to Pam and then says "You know Darryl?" to Pam's patient exasperation. 


Erin's antipathy for Holly is kind of funny, too. 

The snowball fight is pretty overdone. Not so much Dwight's side of it, but Jim (that is to say John Krascinski) just never sells me on his his terror and helplessness. We've seen too much to see Jim rattled this way. 

4.
 "Christmas Wishes"
Directed by Ed Helms. Written by Mindy Kaling.
s8, e10 (2011)

Andy attempts to make everyone's Christmas wishes come true. His bringing his new girlfriend to the party causes Erin to drink too much at the Christmas party and she is escorted home by Robert California. Meanwhile, Dwight and Jim are ordered to stop pranking one another, lest they forfeit their Christmas bonuses. Hi-jinks ensue.

Allow me to praise James Spader as Robert California in general. 


It's difficult to sympathize with a writing staff that had such a formidable talent - and one who was clearly motivated, to boot, ready to add another eccentric character to his ouevre - and failed to give the show to him the way the earlier seasons are given to Michael. This is the central problem with seasons eight and nine. (Six and Seven, too, pretty much.) As the ensemble grows, you've got to give them new things to do, etc. Not a problem unique to The Office, but one it failed to solve. The things they gave the ensemble - or even former leads like Jim, Pam, or Dwight - to do just weren't very good. 

Take Toby, again, who here serves up another representative example. His Chad Flenderman novels started off as a good idea, and then it's run into the ground over several seasons. I think they wanted to be meta about it, like Toby just can't give up on a bad idea or read social signals and the irony of his being the HR guy. But man, do they miss the mark on this. Or Angela, the Senator, and Oscar, or Jim as sports-guy, or Darryl and the warehouse lady, fake-Mose, everything Andy, everything season eight and nine: no one sells the new set-ups. 

Come to think of it, they're trying to be meta, here, as well, with Jim and Dwight soullessly pranking one another and no one buying it. Again, though, it's not enough to just be meta. You've got to wield it purposefully. Otherwise it's just annoying. I probably should have this swapped with "Classy Christmas," it's just this one has the virtue of being shorter. Dwight and Jim are slightly less annoying in this one; here they're just kind of irrelevant. 

Best joke in this one is Robert's Black-Eyed-Peas rant, with the little moment with Ryan to the camera after. 

3.
"Secret Santa"
Directed by Randall Einhorn. Written by Mindy Kaling.
s6, e13 (2009)

Michael is outraged when Jim allows Phyllis to be Santa at the office Christmas party and spirals downward from there. Oscar has a crush on Matt, the new gay warehouse worker, and Andy tries to woo Erin via his secret santa plan to give her the literal twelve days of Christmas as presents, which appears to backfire horribly. 

Now we're into Episodes I Really Like land. This one's great. It might have a few things we've seen before, but they're things that - at least at this stage in the game - are always welcome. Namely Michael's compulsion to ruin any situation where he doesn't get his way ("When you need my help because I am ruining everything, don't look at me! ") as well as his framing everything through an 80s-TV view of the world ("Oscar, you just moved in next door. Stanley, you're our mailman.") 


"David, guess who I am sitting here dressed as."
"I'm not going to guess. You can tell me, or I will hang up."
"I will give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. 
He can heal leopards."
"Michael--" 
"I am Jesus, David. And you know why? Because Phyllis, a woman, has 
uslurped my role as Santa."

I love Michael's intermittent 'uslurping's and 'lepoards' and such. Another is 'spiderface,' as in 'cut off her nose to spider-face." (Also: "You heckled Santa for an hour and a half." "That was a different guy. That was Jesus. Jesus sort of ruined the party. Hurt, petulant Jesus.)

"In jail."

Michael’s stagedive at the end always makes me laugh. I mean, I've seen this over twenty times. A joke that lands consistently despite over-familiarity is worth noting. What else. Oscar doesn't sell his part of the episode. We're supposed to believe it's gay-dimensional chess at episode's end? It's tough to tell whether it's the actor or writing room with Oscar after season six or so. The “Walk Alone” montage has its moments. The uncut version is better than the Netflix one. 


2.
"Christmas Party"
Directed by Charles Macdougall. Written by Michael Schur.
s2, e10 (2005)

The office Christmas party turns into a disaster when Michael turns the Secret Santa into a Yankee Swap (i.e. anyone can steal each other's Secret Santa gifts) and everyone's specifically-chosen gifts (including the teapot Jim made for Pam stuffed with personal memorabilia as well as a note of his true feelings for her) are bandied about as everyone scrambles after the iPod that Michael originally bought for Ryan. Seeing that his idea has ruined the party, Michael buys alcohol for everyone.

Not much to say about this one. It's a perfect earlier-season episode. Everyone's arcs are still on the up-and-up, an the jokes come one after the other. (“We are going to sell that to charity. That is what Christmas is all about.” “Reverse psychology. (To the people working the camera on the fictional documentary being made about Dunder Mifflin) I don’t know if you guys know about it.” Dwight's “Take that, Saddam!” or his “Yankee swap is like Machiavelli meets Christmas.”) Much hinges on the oblivious cudgel of Michael's narcissism, and plenty of heart from the character dynamics (mostly Pam and Jim and Dwight and Angela).


I always remember this episode as featuring Slade's "Merry Christmas, Everybody." It doesn't, though - I'm crossing my wires with the original UK Office's Christmas episode. It does, however, feature "Christmas in Hollis" by Run DMC, so that's cool.


1.
"A Benihana Christmas"
Directed by Harold Ramis. Written by Jen Celotta.
s3, e10 and 11 (2006)

Michael plans to invite Carole to Jamaica with him for Christmas, but she breaks up with him before he has a chance. Andy takes Michael to a local Benihana to cheer him up, and they both convince waitresses to come back to the Christmas party with them, not realizing they are different girls than the ones they were flirting with at the restaurant. Back at the office, a disagreement within the Party Planning Committee leads Karen and Pam to create their own Christmas party, separate from Angela's. 

This is one of the cringeworthiest of all Office episodes. The summary above doesn't do it justice. To try and quote the many things that make me laugh as I have with the episodes above would mostly be cut and pasting the entire script. Every character is pitch-perfect, every set-up gets a great pay-off, and every bit works all on its own and as part of a whole. And the last scene between Michael and Jim - I can only speak for myself, but this was a turning point for both of their characters when I was originally making my way through the show. That such a moment of sincerity comes after the many layers of uncomfortable irony that leading up to it makes it all the more remarkable.


This is the first and best of Michael's romantic-grief breakdowns. Later, with Holly, the grief. - while still uniquely Michael-Scott-esque, i.e. inept, big-hearted, uncynical but tragically unexamined - is too real. And those episodes - and all we say with Jan - are all great, no question; it's just here we see his utter, vulnerable cluelessness as to why he’s been dumped or what kind of relationship he was actually in. If there is a better example of this in the series, it's the great scene in "Women's Appreciation" with Michael and the ladies from the office at the mall food court. But nothing with Jan would've been as effective without this earlier stuff with Carol. 


"It's a bold move to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael's a bold guy. 
Is "bold" the right word?"

The two best cringeworthy moments - and The Office thrives in this particular area - are when Andy orders Nog-a-sakis at Benihana 

"One part eggnog, three parts sake. Some places won't make it for you, though, because eggnog is seasonal."

and the cutaway, which calls such little attention to itself when it happens that it's disorienting as you slowly realize what's happened, from the girls at the restaurant to the girls (one of whom Kulap Vilaysack has had quite the post-this-episode career) they bring back to the party. 


That Andy and Michael are unaware they are different women is painfully funny enough, but it's compounded both by Michael then forgetting which of them is the one he's calling his girlfriend and finally by their not realizing they're actually in high school. 



And hey! Directed by Harold Ramis. Nice.

~
Leftover screencaps:


12.25.2019

The Blogs Left Behind


End of another year, heck, end of the decade. I managed forty blogs in 2019, but there were more than a few left by the wayside. Let's have a look at some of the ones left behind. (I experimented with a few different things to call this post, by the way, the-blogs-that-might-have-been, the-blogs-that-time-forgot, the-blogs-nobody-blogged, or my personal favorite of the not-chosen: The Blogs They Carried.) I did something similar a few years back. 

Ideally I'll whittle down all blogmaking activity into one What If...? type post at the end of every year. It'd save time for both of us. Until I unlock this achievement level, here's the 2019 tour of the Island of Misfit Blogs.


TV


I had planned:

- Most recently, to blog up a bunch of 80s TV Christmas Episodes. I picked five or six with plans to do a second round focusing on sitcoms. Problem was, I never got out of the first round, which included Knight Rider, Quantum Leap, Tour of Duty, Hill Street Blues, and Magnum PI. Some of the episodes ("Green Christmas," Tour of Duty especially) were good, but the others, while not bad (okay, the Knight Rider one is bad) just weren't that interesting, visually or conceptually, to justify blogging up. So the project kind of fizzled. 

- A Top Ten Magnum, PI Episodes post. I finished a "re-watch" of the show more than a few months ago, re-watch in air quotes because I only kind of half-watched a lot of it. But I enjoyed a surprising bit of what I did watch, I just didn't really think of it as something to blog about until I was five seasons into it. I keep meaning to go back and rewatch those episodes that made the most impression on me, but my energies drifted elsewhere, perhaps caught in the Molokai Express, bound for Alaska. So with a certain amount of regret that I never utilized it, I removed this bookmark from my computer. 

In case you're wondering: 


10. "Operation: Silent Night" s4, e10.
9. "A Little Bit of Luck, A Little Bit of Grief" s6, e20
8. "Round and Round" s6, e6
7. "Flashback" s3, e7
6. "Witness" s4, e21
5. "Fragments" s5, e6
4. "The Kona Winds" s6, e6
3. "Death and Taxes" s7, e6
2. "Limbo" s7, e22
1. "Home from the Sea" s4, e1

Number three is fairly or unfairly known as the Miami Vice episode on account of its prominent use of Phil-Collins-sung material ("Mama" by Genesis), night scenes, and Thomas's wardrobe being Sonny Crockett-esque at several points. 

"Home from the Sea" made a big impression on me as a kid. I was happy that revisiting it - several times as it turned out, once with my eldest who ended up watching it twice almost all the way through - deepened my appreciation of it. Particularly one aspect: the way these scenes are cut against each other is way ahead of its time. I remember when Lost was making a splash there was much chatter on how the scripts seemed very influenced (as they turned out to be) by Alan Moore's Swamp Thing and Watchmen, particular the way flashbacks intercut with the main story and scenes segued via ironic continuations of dialogue out of context or what not. The same technique is used - and quite well - here. I've never heard anyone describe this technique as Bellisario-esque, but perhaps they should. He wrote a lot of filler, but "Home from the Sea" is an A+ script.

- I had an idea for a little series called:



These would've been screencaps from Dawson's Creek, season 4 (the senior year season). The idea was along the lines of James Van Der Memes, but, I didn't get very far. I discovered that here in the wilderness of my mid-forties, I didn't have the patience or bemusement with the project required to pull it off properly. This strikes me as the kind of realization that Red Foreman would hit me upside the head for having shared.

- An overview of Pan Am (2011-2012) a beautifully designed show with a great cast. Had it come out only a year or two later in the streaming-age, it'd probably still be on the air, but its lack of real-time viewers led ABC to cancel it. I ran into an immediate problem, though, in trying to screencap it. It was designed, visually, to maximize the photogenic nature of its cast. Not in a salacious way, more in an unavoidable way, just as part of every shot.



In plain English - and the above is less than one third of the first three episodes for Pete's sake - there was no way for me to present a visual account of the show without appearing to document a sort of fetish journal for 60s-era stewardesses. And/or Margot Robbie and Kelli Garner. I'm not knocking such things, I just felt a little awkward doing it / not what I set out to do. 


COMICS

The same thing happened to me with a planned series on Frank Thorne's:



This one I had some idea going into that it would probably be a bit over the top. I thought I could find a way to present the sword and sorcery metal without necessarily being overpowered by the softcore she-devil mayhem.


I was wrong about that.


I was keeping a folder called "She-Devil on a Horse" which started off as kind of funny but then made me feel a little uncomfortable as they got more and more pornographic. Why I don't feel uncomfortable doing so for a "Hey I Never Really Blogged It Up" post is unknown. 


I don't mean to suggest it's just softcore she-devil stuff. It's all quite metal and a bona-fide classic of Bronze Age Marvel. It's one of those things that had it been written and drawn by Camille Paglia people would celebrate it as proto-feminist fable. Perhaps it's unfair to not extend to Frank Thorne the same kudos. As with Pan Am, though, I started to feel like maybe I wasn't the right guy to be chronicling Sonja's adventures. The two series couldn't be more different in tone or approach but presented the same dilemma to me, their would-be-blogger.


A pity. Here's some leftover screencaps.

- Earlier this year, after The Heck Ya Mean posts, I'd planned to continue some Scenic Routes for selected series. Among them Kirby's Fourth World (which had a bit more than that, some Kamandi and Eternals, too):



- Another on Walt Simonson, from various titles over the years:


Did Walt refashion Jean Grey after his wife Louise? She is a telekinetic telepath, after all. (Louise, I mean.)
 

- And another on Alex Toth:


That is a serious floor.
This guy needs to stop.

but they all fizzled out for one reason or another. Mostly laziness. I also chose particularly prolific illustrators, each of whom deserved more time and attention than I could give him.


BOOKS

Man, do I miss my old commute. Even the increased crime on the CTA in the few years since I switched jobs, negating the need for the commute - forty-five minutes in each direction, which gave me oodles of blog-reading time - wouldn't deter me from picking it up again, solely for the enforced reading time. I try to sneak it in wherever I can - making my tea, doing the laundry, inspecting the commode, baby-watching (when possible) - but it's a lot harder to wipe out reading projects these days. 

- Take for example this idea I had for a series of posts called The Blog Offices of Boulle, Ludlum, MacDonald, and Wyndham



That likely would've been shortened to just "Boulle, Ludlum, MacDonald" or "Boulle, Ludlum, and Wyndham" depending on which author I finished first. I bought all these books used and still plan to read them all someday. But yeah, thought it'd be fun to make my way through them all in an organized way and blog them all up as I go, and I liked the law office-sounding name. (There's a pet supplies story near my wife's old apartment named "The Paw Offices of Barker and Meowski," which I always thought was a damn fine name.) Each would have had some kind of "Have you been hurt in an accident? Are you in a structured settlement and need cash now?" sort of intro but tailored to the plot at hand.

Part of what killed the project was I read The Ostermann Weekend and it started strong but ended weakly. And the movie was kind of a mess. Though in an interesting way. That started things off a little sluggishly and I just never found my way back to it. I brought some Wyndham with me on a work trip to California and ended up reading something else. Still mean to! But as a blogging project, probably not going to happen. 

- Finally, for this section, I'd planned a holiday post earlier this month called Ten Books for the Conservative on Your Shopping List.


Not necessarily these books. But some of them, sure. 

You might have a person with differing political views on your holiday list. If that person is left-of-center, you'll have little trouble shopping for them. If that person is right-of-center, though, chances are they don't necessarily want some coffee mug with "Liberal Tears" printed on the side. (Although they might - in which case, case closed.) So I thought I'd make an annotated list of ten to fifteen books that a conservative, male or female, gay or straight, white or black, Vulcan or Terran, might actually want to read. 

But: nothing I wrote - even the above - was coming out right. And then it came too close to the holiday to make an effective list of suggestions. So here's an abridged version of the list; print it out and keep it handy for any birthdays to come for your proverbial conservative uncle or aunt. 

For the military history buff: SOG by James Plasser. (Every chapter of this needs to be four or five movies. Riveting read. Tour of Duty season three seems to have lifted some story ideas from here, but this is much more in-depth.) 



Or this one that I bought my Dad, who is not a conservative at all, but just while we're doing military history. Or Killer Angels by Michael Shaara, though chances are they've got that one already.

For the history buff: Garibaldi by Jasper Ridley. (Incredible read. I wish I had time to read it again and take proper notes. One day!) Or Coolidge by Amity Shlaes. (Ditto.) Or Truman by David McCullough, which covers a wide swath of pivotal American events of the twentieth century. It's not like conservatives just want to read about conservative people. Most of them, anyway. 

For anyone who wants the culture war explained to them by someone who a) didn't vote for Trump, b) understands why he won, and c) understands the what, whence, and how of Trump Derangement Syndrome and why it is to be avoided:




For the political biography buff: No Higher Honor by Condoleeza Rice, With No Apologies by Barry Goldwater, or McCarthy by Arthur Hermann. 

For promising spy thriller stuff: Between Two Scorpions by Jim Geraghty. 

For carefully footnoted ragefuel: Justice on Trial by Mollie Hemingway and Carrie Severino, Ball of Collusion by Andrew McCarthy, The Smallest Minority by Kevin Williamson, or, if they want to take the longer view on the twentieth century (and have a sense of humor):




I would also recommend anything by William F. Buckley, Jr. particularly any of those collections of his editorials and commentaries from the 60s and 70s, like Executioner's Eve or The Governor Listeth. But you have to know your audience on that one; Buckley's style isn't for everyone. 


MUSIC

I'd started and taken some substantial notes for a couple of overviews that didn't materialize. One on Genesis (the entirety of which I will summarize by linking only to one song: "Keep It Dark") and another on Budgie (and likewise, "Stranded". Cued up to this spirited finish here.) Both bands deserved a better overview than I had time for in 2019, but I do enjoy the two playlists I created so hey, personal victory there. 

That about covers them, I think.


BUT WAIT!

Here are some pre-emptive cancellations for 2020!


- Roy Thomas at DC
- Doctor Strange in the 80s

I'd gotten a little ways into blogging up the Doctor Strange. I had all my preliminary work done:



I had a friend generously donate digital copies of the Defenders issues I didn't have, I bought the Marvel Fanfare Doctor Strange appearances I was missing, and I'd screencapped about five or six issues, including the Amazing Spider-Man and X-Men annuals, both of which held up quite nicely. 



But I just don't see myself having the time to really do it. These kind of things are fun if they don't linger on too long, and it would likely take me two to three years. Ditto for Roy Thomas at DC, which was a lot of material. These seemed like fun and worthwhile projects, but having done a few of those read/blog-every-appearance-over-a-decade projects, I know the time and reading involved. One for the robot body if it ever gets delivered from North Central Positronics. 

One reading project I still plan to do though not on any timetable is:



I won a couple of eBay auctions for Hard Case Crime lots, and I have just about fifty. So it seemed like a fun idea to read them all and blog them up as case reports. This one will happen - and I'll have to come up with a better header than that one above - I just didn't want to tie it to 2020. It might take the whole decade, who knows. Looking forward to it - bless you, Charles Ardai

~
I write this on December 25th at ten of nine pm, so it's still Christmas for a few hours more. Happy Holidays, folks.