Americans are reeling in the wake of recent revelations regarding the abuse and proliferation of the surveillance state apparatus. Yet for nearly three decades, they were being spied on far more comprehensively from an entirely different quarter: The Future.
Starfleet, in collusion with NBC, Paramount, and CBS, ran a spy ring that makes the NSA and KGB look like rank amateurs on Open Mic Night.
And it all started at a little bar, "where everybody knows your name."
Chilling and revealing words, hidden in the heart of a melody and lyric known the world over.
It is unclear exactly when the Bull and Finch Pub (popularly known as "Cheers") on Beacon Street in Boston, Massachusetts became Starfleet's "window on Fin de Siècle Americana." But prior to their involvement, it was visited by at least one other visitor from the future:
Commander Kruge
Prior to the events of The Search for Spock, the Klingon commander underwent a prolonged deep cover mission, one of obvious importance to the Empire, given the extensive cosmetic surgery Kruge underwent for the full immersion assignment.
Kruge's cover was "Phillip Semenko," an eccentric painter. So dedicated was Kruge to the mission that he spent time in prison after engaging in an all-out orgy with members of the Harvard football team rather than break cover. (As relayed to Diane in the second part of "I'll Be Seeing You.")
Nothing is known as to the purpose of Kruge's mission - some say he was killed by Admiral Kirk on secret orders to snuff out whatever it was he learned or had been up to - but it included at least two other high-profile/ hide-in-plain sight infilitrations:
No show was safe.
Many have interpreted Kruge's appearance in the Back to the Future movies as coded messages through time to Klingon Command. Indeed, "Great Scott!" when translated to Klingon is a seemingly gibberish group of numbers. The code has never been broken.
As a result of all this, Starfleet was alerted to the potential of the Bull and Finch as a hub for temporal operations. When Rick Berman was brought on board The Next Generation, it was likely his connection to Cheers (one of the shows under his purview as a producer at Paramount) that sealed the deal.
Time Quisling?
Incidentally, he is rumored to appear as a bar patron in the background of the last Cheers episode, "One for the Road," but I was unable to find him. A special Dog Star Omnibus no-prize to any reader who finds the proper screencap. (The man in the picture above is Bob Broder.)
Diane may have become suspicious as a result of her brief involvement with Phillip Semenko, but it took the appearance of Admiral Janeway as "Janet Eldridge" to fully draw her attention to the conspiracy.
She seduced and recruited Sam Malone, whom as we shall see, played an ongoing role in the conspiracy in the years to come. ("Strange Bedfellows.")
Diane chose to leave the show rather than go along with the operation. When she threatened to reveal what she knew, she was nearly "suicided" in the early twenty-first century.
She was replaced, of course, with one of Starfleet's own, in season 6.
Janeway's mission was a complete success. From that point on, Sam Malone's heart belonged to Starfleet. Witness the evolution of the character over the series from conflicted recovering alcoholic to one-dimensional womanizer: all the better to deflect his true mission as host and enabler to an increasing roster of spies from the future.
Sam, numb with complicity, on the set of Nimoy-directed Three Men and a Baby.
Sam with his "handler," Guinan. Like Caesar, he was surrounded on all sides; surrender, or be removed.
Nicholas Colasanto threatened to go public with what he knew, with tragic results:
After he died via "natural causes" (no autopsy was ever performed,) he was replaced by Woody Tiberius Boyd, his name a pointed warning to other cast members to keep their mouths shut. Meet the new boss.
Shortly before Diane's departure, another away mission was performed by Commander Data, but it, like 100% of Data's away missions...
ended in disaster.
After being tried and acquitted for attempted homicide, he nearly blew his cover in the episode "Never Love a Goalie," telling Diane "Why don't you check your stupid little notebook?" on his way out the door. An ominous reference to the intel Diane had squirreled away.
The rest of the cast, though, fell into line and were duly rewarded for their cooperation:
Lilith, in the TNG episode "First Contact."
Norm opted to travel to the future rather than risk exposure and ended his days as "Morn" on Deep Space 9.
Cliff Clavin, at first glance, seems to have no further involvement with the conspiracy after Cheers went off the air in 1993.
But it is widely believed it is Cliff who is the real "Future Guy" in Enterprise.
This would have been revealed in later seasons of the show, had Starfleet not ended its espionage operation.
It wasn't just the main cast who were put to use.
Paul Wilson, who had a recurring role as "Paul" on the show, returned for a stint on Boston Legal
as well as "Loquar" on Voyager. ("The Void.")
Daniel Davis first appeared as Norm's boss on "The Peterson Principle"
As well as played Moriarty on two episodes of TNG. (Some suggest he fell out of favor with the Department of Temporal Investigations and was demoted to playing the butler on The Nanny as punishment.)
Keene Curtis, who played "John Allen Hill" on Cheers, returned as Old Man #2 in the Voyager episode "Sacred Ground." And was never seen again...
After Cheers went off the air, Starfleet continued to keep tabs on things, first (logically enough) via Frasier:
Operation: Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs was even greater a success than anticipated. No one suspected a thing.
then, re-positioning Sam Malone in an extended-cover assignment, Becker:
Terry Farrell (aka "Jadzia Dax" on Deep Space Nine) was initially assigned to keep an eye on Danson and espionage operations, but she was abruptly terminated after 79 episodes on the show. No excuse was ever given, and she refuses to discuss the matter in interviews.
Was she, like Diane before her, let go for fear of what she might say?
What is known is that Levar "The Cleaner" Burton was brought in for a mysterious cameo - along with Leonard Nimoy - late in Becker's run. When asked how he came to be on the sitcom, Burton said "Two are flying, one is not." When asked to clarify, he locked his hands together and held them out from his chest perpendicularly, asking, "Will no one help the widow's son?" Then disappeared. Reporters were ushered out of the interview room and paid handsomely never to repeat what they saw or heard.
Rene Auberjonois appears to have taken control of the espionage ring shortly after Deep Space Nine stopped production. In addition to guest-starring on Frasier (perhaps delivering messages/ coordinating / keeping tabs on Grammar) he joined the cast of Boston Legal, where William Shatner had already established a base of operations.
Boston Legal also starred Seven of Nine on several episodes and included scripts by Phoef Sutton, a producer on, you guessed it, Cheers.
Many have speculated that writers on both Voyager and Enterprise tried to warn the public through cryptic allusions and metaphorical episodes.
Such as "Future's End" for Voyager...
or in the Xindi storyline from Enterprise.
But whether these episodes had an impact on public awareness remains debated. What is known is that with the advent of the Abrams and co. Star Trek (2009) all espionage operations were dismantled once and for all. The film served as the "White Christmas on Saigon radio" to any and all operatives still engaged in the field, its message of timeline dismantling and rebooting a barely-coded message to close up shop.
Similarly, the visual design of muted pastels and lens flare has been interpreted as "distract" and "bedazzle," respectively.
And so we are left with a dubious IMDB patchwork of the most extensive spying operation ever devised by man. To what end? Ted Danson, Rene Auberjonois, Kelsey Grammar, and Rick Berman remain at large, immune to prosecution, protected by a public whose engineered credulity they so ruthlessly exploited.
Are we still being scrutinized by future spies and agents, like so many microbes under a microscope, or Victorian Man by the Martians of H.G. Wells? We will know for sure when we first read about the Presidency of Yelnik McGwawa.
And for some reason (he said sarcastically) Blogger won't let me embed this video, but what are we to make of this? Another warning? Bragging? Mental preparation for the rule-from-beyond for which Starfleet prepared a generation?
One of the pleasures of getting through overviews is to develop lists in their wake. And although I have yet to blog-up Star Trek: Lens Flare aka Star Trek (2009,) I'm going to go ahead and give you the Dog Star Omnibus Star Trek Villains From Worst to Best countdown while the movies are all fresh in mind. Not everyone likes to know how these lists come together, so feel free to skip this. But if you're like me and can't respect a list without knowing its evaluative criteria, here we go:
(on a C- to A+ scale, with 1 point awarded for C- and up to 9 for A+.)
1st
score: Threat (How credible is the danger or obstacle posed to our
protagonists?)
2nd
score: Performance or Screen Presence (Self-explanatory.)
3rd
score: Thematic Effectiveness (Are they there just to complicate things for our protagonists, or does their presence
in the script serve a point?)
Let's get to it. As with the Best of NextGen list, I've made my arguments elsewhere so I'll keep my remarks to a minimum.
19. Starfleet from The Undiscovered Country
( C- / C- / C )
Just awful. 'Nuff said.
18.
Lursa and B’Etor from Generations
( C
/ C- / C- )
Just as awful as #19, but slightly less offensive.
17.
God from The Final Frontier
( C- / C+
/ C- )
I offer this as counterpoint to God's bad showing in this silly film:
Incidentally, this would have been way, way cooler.
16.
Soran from Generations
( C+ / C+ / C-
)
Malcolm McDowell's abundance of pride at landing this part has always puzzled me. "I've been going around town absolutely delighted I got the chance to deliver a boilerplate performance in a terrible film that took a huge dump on an amazing legacy."
15.
Sybok from The Final Frontier
( C / B / C- )
Sybok's "threat" score is compromised by the script not justifying what we see him accomplish. For what it's worth, Mr. Luckinbill gives an acceptable performance; I've always kind of felt bad for him. There wasn't much to work with.
14. The Klingons from The Final Frontier
( C+ /
B- / C- )
These Klingons are some of the worst examples of "villains who are there just to complicate the a-story rather than act as counterpoint to it." But all things considered, Todd Bryant and Spice Williams are the wrong folks to blame; they did the best they could with thankless roles.
13. The Viceroy from Nemesis
( C / B / C )
Ditto for Ron Perlman, who can do no wrong. The Viceroy is a pointless character who muddles an already-muddled script. But, not as bad as all the above, mainly just because it's Perlman.
12.
Chang from The Undiscovered Country
(
B / B- / C- )
Christopher Plummer's hamtastic performance at least has the virtue of being kind of entertaining, even if his character/ dialogue is atrocious.
11.
Shinzon from Nemesis
( C+ / B- / B- )
As with Sybok, Shinzon's "threat" score is pulled down by the script not justifying what we see him accomplish. Otherwise, it's not a bad performance, just a terribly conceived character.
10. Dougherty from Insurrection
( C- / B
/ A- )
I personally quite enjoy Zerbe's performance in Insurrection, but he comes in tenth place by virtue of being less offensive than all the above vs. someone I care ultimately all that much about. He plays the "type," i.e. the morally compromised higher-up, with more nuance than say Paul Reiser in Aliens. (Or any comparable type in any James Cameron film, for that matter.)
9.
Nero from Lens Flare
(A- / B- / C+ )
Nero is another poorly-conceived character with little depth, but Eric Bana at least goes over the top enough with it for it to be entertaining. For the science-fantasy space adventure film that is Lens Flare, he's entirely appropriate. I don't understand why he starts calling Spock "Spogggghhh" at the end, though.
8.
Ru’afo from Insurrection
( C / A / A-
)
F. Murray Abraham is fantastic in this role. The film has its problems, as does his character's place within them, but he's menacing and intense and makes the most of his screentime.
7.
Probe from The Voyage Home
( A+ / B-
/ A )
I could probably go to a "C" for screen presence/ performance here, as I just can't stand the visual design of the probe, but I tried to grade solely on impact of the "character" on screen. Which is undoubtedly effective. Still, couldn't go much higher than a "B-" for a giant space turd, now could I?
6.
Khan from Into Darkness
( B / A / B+
)
It's tougher to evaluate Into Darkness as I only saw it the one time before it left my local, but Benedict Cumberbatch did a great job. Different timeline, different Khan. Much left unsaid/ undone. Could fall or rise dramatically in the rankings depending on what they do with him.
5. Admiral Marcus from Into Darkness
( B / A / A- )
Whereas Admiral Marcus probably won't. I can't say he's one of my absolute favorite villains, but I couldn't in good conscience rank him any less. Does he pose a believable threat? At least a "B," I'd say. Does Peter Weller bring it? Peter Weller always brings it. Does Admiral Marcus as a character fit the thematic structure of the film? Absolutely. So, here he is, number five, set to kill.
4.
Kruge (and friends) from The Search for Spock
( A-
/ A / B )
Christopher Lloyd (aka Walter Koenig's one-time best pal back in their Neighborhood Playhouse days) is the unsung baddie of the Trekverse. He absolutely kills it as Kruge. Moreover, it's easy to understand what motivates him and even to sympathize to some degree.
3. The
Borg from First Contact
( A+ / A+ / A )
Pretty self-evident.
2.
Khan from The Wrath of Khan
( A / A+ / A+
)
Really, Montalban's Khan is Number One, I just discovered something interesting (below) by grading these the way that I did. But by any rational reckoning, Khan is the villian numero one of the Trekverse. I doubt we'll ever see another villain namechecked in the title, unless they do a straight-up remake of this with Cumberbatch somewhere down the road.
1. V’Ger
from The Motion Picture
( A+ / A+ /
A+ )
Is the threat V'ger poses greater than all the other villains combined? Is its screen presence anything less than overwhelming and mega-awesome? Does it get more thematically emblematic than V'ger? Yes, no, and no. A+s down the line.
