Cheers: Gary's Olde Towne Tavern

In many ways, the Gary's Olde Towne Tavern episodes (aka the Bar Wars episodes) epitomize both the good and the bad of the later seasons of Cheers. 

For those unfamiliar with them, these episodes detail the rivalry between the gang at Cheers and the bar down the way, Gary's Olde Towne Tavern. The rivalry was pretty one-sided; at the time of the first Bar Wars episode, the record stood at 173-to-1 in favor of Gary. (How either bar found the time to stage 174 sporting competitions is never explained.) With one memorable exception, sports were left to one side after the first episode in favor of increasingly complicated pranks and practical jokes, and in this arena, despite some major humiliations, Cheers eventually proved triumphant.

Says Ken Levine: "We had two actors who played Gary, in no particular order. Joel Polis played him (the first time the character appeared) in 1985 episode." 

One of those actors you've seen all over the place but might not place the name. Or if you're like me, you may have seen him in a movie you've seen a thousand times (John Carpenter's The Thing) and not even realized it was the same guy.

Fuchs.

"When we wrote the first Bar Wars episode (1988) Joel wasn’t available. It was the very end of the season. We had no other scripts so we just had to recast. Robert Desiderio became Gary."

Veteran of dozens of shows and soaps. Married to Judith Light.

"For Bar Wars II we went back to Joel Polis and used him one other time. Otherwise, it was Robert Desiderio. Confusing? I don’t understand why we did it either. Hopefully this mystery will be tackled in Inception."

Adding a further wrinkle? The titles. The first "Bar Wars" is in Season 6, but Gary first appears in:

Season 4, Episode 9. Directed by James Burrows. Written by Peter Casey and David Lee.

This is the episode where Sam on Carla's suggestion challenges Gary to a game of bowling. Carla's thinking is fairly airtight:

"All of those other sports required real athletic ability, but with bowling, we got the makings of a great team. You go to any bowling alley, what do you see? A bunch of out-of-shape couch potatoes who do nothing but sit around and swill beer."

The plot revolves around trying to get Woody, a bowling prodigy who swore off the pins after maiming a man in a bowling alley accident back in Hanover, to join the team. He is unable to overcome his PTSD, but luckily Diane is a secret prodigy herself and with her help the Cheers gang wins the day. 

At the bowling alley Sam naturally macs on one of Gary's waitresses:

Despite being given a name (Tawny) in the script, Kim Waltrip is credited simply as "Woman" in the credits. Go figure. She went on to have a pretty successful career as a producer, one of the vice-chairs of Kim and Jim Productions.  (EDIT: Please see the comments. This isn't Kim Waltrip.) 

This episode sets the stage for all the Bar Wars episodes to come, but watching them altogether as I just finished doing, it really stands apart. This is primarily due to the difference between the Sam and Diane years and the Cheers A.D. years i.e. both the Cheers gang and Gary himself are more cartoonish in the latter. But this produces an unintentionally realistic evolution common to a lot of real-world rivalries: you start off just wanting to win, then you don't just want to win, you want to avenge your losses, and then you become obsessed. It's the Red Sox / Yankees in microcosm.

The next time Gary appears is in:

Season 6, Episode 23. Directed by James Burrows. Written by Ken Levine and David Isaacs.

While this could more accurately be called "Bar Wars: Gary, pt. 2," that's not the direction they elected to take.

In addition to setting the template for all subsequent Bar Wars eps, Al Rosen gets some memorable lines.

"Holy mackerel, this isn't Cheers?"

"Pretty weenie." (He delivers this line in two different spots.)

Either Ken Levine or David Isaacs must be a Dante Gabriel Rosetti fan. He's referenced in two separate Bar Wars eps.

First in this one when Norm and Cliff hijack Gary's satelite feed during a boxing match to read poetry to Gary's incensed patrons.

And later in Season 10's "Bar Wars: The Final Judgment."

This opening salvo in the now officially designated Bar Wars saga is probably best known for two things: the sheep-in-Rebecca's-office prank

and the guest appearance of notorious drunk legendary Red Sox player:

Says Ken Levine:

"It was only a couple of years later when his mistress Margot Adams wrote a big expose in Playboy magazine detailing their affair. In her article she mentions how thrilled they were when this Cheers gig came up because it meant a free trip to a three day tryst. He’d have guested on Agriculture This Week if they popped for a first class plane ticket.

In the article, Margot also maintains that Boggs asked her for a pair of panties because he had promised the guys on the team that he could come back with Kirstie Alley’s panties. I was on the stage when Kirstie read this. Her expression was priceless. Kirstie was very cool about stuff like that. From then on I would occasionally say to her, “Listen, Kirstie, I’m going to my high school reunion and at graduation I promised the guys that I would bring a pair of your panties to the reunion so if you wouldn’t mind…?” She always laughed and then told me to go fuck myself."

Speaking of Rebecca, this belt is very 80s.

Next up:

Season 7, Episode 10. Directed by James Burrows. Written by Ken Levine and David Isaacs.

Here, Cheers and Gary's Olde Towne Tavern compete for the distinction of Boston's Best Bloody Mary. There's some fun disguise-and-misdirection comedy from Woody, as well as this well-worn-but-gets-me-everytime-gag:

(muffled speaking ) "What? What are you trying to say? He's trying to say something..."
"I said 'Don't rip off the tape!'" ( screams )

By the way - in case any people in charge of such things ever put eyes on this - my DVDs have several episodes in need of more consistent color correction. This is one of them.

I'm sure it has to do with the original film - maybe it deteriorated or something. And actually it adds kind of a surreal tint to things when it happens, as if someone has spliced in long-lost footage and not told anyone. Except the footage is what originally aired, or at least what I've seen in re-runs. Anyway. 

(And since my days of upgrading formats are pretty much done, I guess this is how the episode will look to me until every last DVD-capable device I have no longer functions. I have way too many DVD collections to replace them all with blu-rays or holograms and whatever else is coming down the home entertainment pike. But for the sake of future generations just thought I'd mention it.) 

Moving on to:

Season 8, Episode 21. Directed by James Burrows. Written by Ken Levine and David Isaacs.

"Tecumseh" is the name of the cigar store Indian statue right near the front door featured prominently in every episode. It was never given a name before this episode. (The same thing happened the season 8 finale when the moose head on the wall suddenly was named  Dave the Moose.)

This is one of the two Bar Wars eps that doesn't feature Gary, either the Polis or Desiderio version. Convinced that Gary has stolen Tecumseh, the gang pranks Gary's only to discover Rebecca sent the statue out for cleaning. On high alert for Gary's anticipated revenge, they end up attacking the fire marshal when he arrives for an inspection:

His repeated "What are you doing?"s - despite it being perfectly obvious what they're doing - always crack me up. Also: Sam's sweater.

and decide to prank themselves as a show of good faith to head off any further escalation. 

I mentioned before that the Bar Wars eps epitomize elements of the Cheers A.D. years. I wouldn't say the A.D. years are "catchphrase comedy" years per se, at least in the negative sense of the term, but there was a discernible shift in humor away from character-based comedy and into situational comedy, sight gags, and lines easily recalled at water coolers and lunchrooms and buses the next morning. The fire marshal's "What are you doing?" was one of those lines. I think Cheers was a cut above most shows that relied on this approach, but it's worth mentioning.

Season 9, Episode 2. Directed by James Burrows. Written by Larry Balmagia.

One of my faves. Cheers hires Kevin McHale as a ringer for their basketball game with Gary's. We take hilarious guest spots and cameos by sports players on TV or in movies for granted nowadays - when Derek Jeter showed up at the end of The Other Guys, I remember thinking this; he showed up earlier in the film (obviously, if you've seen that one) but it's his reprise at the end that is the a-ha-genius! moment - but outside of the classic Simpsons episode "Homer at the Bat," no one in the early 90s did it better than Cheers with Kevin McHale.

The McHale/ Bird era of the Celtics is really the only one I ever watched faithfully. I kind of retired from caring about the sport altogether when that old gang broke up. So I'm biased, undoubtedly. But it's a fun episode, particularly the way the Cheers gang's machinations inevitably backfire.

 

YouTube does feature some of the funnier bits from this episode in a montage that Blogger absolutely refuses to let me embed for some reason, so here's a link. Everyone from Hanover knows French Lick is the doofus capital of Indiana.

Season 10, Episode 7. Directed by James Burrows. Written by Ken Levine and David Isaacs.

There were two Bar Wars eps in Season 10. This one sets up the other. To teach Sam a lesson, everyone at Cheers conspires with everyone at Gary's to make Sam believe Gary is dead. He isn't, obviously, but don't let knowing that spoil you. It's almost more fun to anticipate it. The reveal at the end is handled so well, and I'll go on record to say I'll give Robert Desiderio a lifetime pass for the way he delivers "DO YOU, MALONE?!"

Some of the pranks are a little on the ridiculous side:

but so is the whole fake-death-and-funeral thing, I guess, and who cares? This bit with the Halloween song playing unstoppably is fun.

"Hey, that's not 'Funkytown...'" Ahh, Phil.

It's definitely more Green Acres than Cheers had ever been before this. That annoyed the crap out of me at the time. Usually I get a kick out of such differences of opinion with my younger self, but this is one of those times where I wish I could get him to lighten the hell up.

Season 10, Episode 23. Directed by Rick Beren. (Who?) Written by Ken Levine and David Isaacs.

Ken Levine thought this one was the weakest of them all. I've linked to this way too much in this post, but what the hell, here he is again:

"The gang thinks a wise guy buys Gary’s bar so a prank unleashes the Mafia after them. We were reaching. And sometimes too clever for our own good. In Bar Wars II, there’s a Bloody Mary contest. We had a number of twists and turns, and after turning in the script, the staff added a few more. By the end I think there were maybe six too many. It was the Big Sleep of Bar Wars episodes – no one alive can tell you exactly what happened."

I'm assuming he's contrasting the complexity of this episode to the simplicity of "Bar Wars 2." I can see that. But its spinning-off-the-rail-ness is pretty much my favorite thing about this entire Gary's Heimskringla to begin with.

Or maybe like I mentioned last time - I just love it when they shot outside the bar.

Finally:

Season 11, Episode 19. Directed by James Burrows. Written by Ken Levine and David Isaacs.

The picture above is from my favorite bit of the episode. Sam hires an Irish band for St. Patrick's Day, but when they arrive their songs are either too aggressive ("Limey scum! Limey scum!") or too morose. They only get through the first line of their third number ("'Twas a baby's crib that floated by -") before Sam kicks them out in frustration.

"And everywhere I looked was death! death! death!" has been in my head since first hearing it, same as "Al-ban-i-a!" from Season 3's "Teacher's Pet." (It's the same link as last time. But any excuse.) Too funny. Anyway, yeah, these guys are the best. I wish YouTube was more cooperative. (There's this, but it's horrible quality.)

The last season of Cheers managed to maintain the status quo of previous seasons while taking a long, fond look back at itself. Without being too nostalgic, I should add. You can watch the entire 11th season and not even realize you're seeing sequels and wrap-ups to a Greatest Hits of Cheers episodes. "Bar Wars VII: The Naked Prey" wraps up the rivalry once and for all and reprises Harry the Hat.

"Face it, you're a bunch of losers. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's the way God made you. If it weren't for you guys, how would we know who the winners were?"

I was surprised this time around by how much is packed into this episode. Yet it doesn't feel stuffed (or as if they were "reaching," as mentioned above for pt. VI.) The very last line is delivered by Ted Danson pretty much perfectly. (It's not all that remarkable out of context.)

NEXT: The A.D. years, 10-ish faves.

Trivia note: In case I haven't mentioned Ken Levine enough in these remarks, this is the only episode he ever appears in. 

At the bar in a background shot post-credits.

Cheers: The Sam and Diane Years

"I'd rather have written Cheers than anything I've written." - Kurt Vonnegut.

Let that Vonnegut quote sink in for a minute.

In 1984 I saw my first Cheers episode on AFN (Armed Forces Network) over in Germany. I don't know if it was love at first site - it probably wasn't since my memory is hazy. But I vividly recall seeing "Strange Bedfellows" in our basement in Weiderstadt two years later. Ye Cheers savvy out there know that this is the first episode of the Janet Eldridge (Captain Janeway) trilogy. This activates the will-they-or-won't-they tension between Sam and Diane. At the end of the story, the last of season 4, Sam calls one of them on the phone and asks her to marry him.

Which woman did he call, Janet or Diane? Audiences in 1986 had to wait until the fall season to get the answer.

That summer the McMillans moved back to the States. A week after settling in to our new place, season five began. And with the exception of a few years here and there, thus began a tradition that continues down to the present: watching 

The first 5 seasons of Cheers, to be referred to here-on-out as -

are different than the show's last 6 seasons (Cheers A.D. "After Diane," of course.) Later I came to really appreciate the later seasons. But for many years, I was content with the re-runs, which just so happened to coincide with when I got home from baseball practice and reheated my dinner (5:30 pm) and when I went to bed (11 pm.) Most importantly, the constant cycle of reruns re-enforced what I recognized but was unable to articulate at the time: if you start with "Give Me a Ring Sometime" (Season 1, Episode 1) and end with "I Do and Adieu (Season 5, Episode 26) you have the beginning, middle, and end of a great novel, with a compelling and still widely-copied romance between the two leads, a rich supporting cast who all have things happen to them that are not - as was standard TV practice of the time - conveniently forgotten by the next episode. The chronology of it all was very important.

I love practically every episode of Cheers. There are few shows I can say that about. 15 episodes from the Sam and Diane years seemed easier to work with than 121, though. And really, there's only so much you can really say and screencap about the show. Like the best things in life, Cheers is better experienced than discussed. 

But what can I say? I'm a discusser. 

Most plot summaries below copied from IMDB. Everything else is me, so you know who to blame. And without further ado...

Season 1, Episode 11. Directed by James Burrows. Written by Katherine Green.

Plot: Two unlikely customers enter the bar: One is an 80+ year old who is the only arrival for his WWI squad's reunion, and the other is an awkward virgin looking for a night of drinking and fun before he becomes a monk.

Opening Bit: Coach physically checks Melville's to see if a patron's table is ready. (The joke is: he could have just called up.)

Why I Love It: There's an awful lot going on in these 2o-something minutes.

First, Ian Wolfe (aka Mr. Atoz from "All Our Yesterdays") is fantastic in this episode. Probably on a short list of my favorite Cheers guest performances. From his first line ("Lock up your daughters!") to his gags throughout (the bit where he describes to Sam the practical joke he and his fellow vets play at their reunion and then the payoff for that shortly afterwards) to the ending, where he accepts the sad truth that he is the last survivor of his outfit: all fantastic. They did not give an Emmy for Outstanding Guest Performance in a Comedy Series in 1982, but had they, Ian Wolfe should've won. 

Second, Diane spends this episode jotting down overheard remarks for the Great American Novel she's always talking about writing. Sam's repeated failed attempts to get into the book and his eventual triumph at episode's end ("What does a stuffed shirt know about blue collar poetry?") are great.

Third, Kevin (aka the would-be monk/ awkward virgin.) I'm a sucker for these types of it's-a-miracle-no-actually-it's-easily-explained-but-is-it-a-miracle-anyway? sort of stories.

Great Lines: "This would make a great bar story. Too bad we're all here." (Norm.)

Season 1, Episode 18. Directed by James Burrows. Written by Heide Perlman.

Plot: Diane reluctantly enters the Miss Boston Barmaid contest, but only so she can publicly denounce the competition as sexist and chauvinistic.

Opening bit: Tip O'Neil comes in for a drink and overhears Norm's appraisal of Congress. (A sidenote: it always bothers me to see political celebrities on TV these days. But watching old SNLs and old Cheers eps, not so much. What can I say? Big personalities have big contradictions, as Gene Simmons once said. It sounds nicer than "I'm a big ol' hypocrite.")

Why I love it: The writing in this one is particularly crisp. Funny and loaded with character. And it's a great showcase for the amazing comedic talents of Shelley Long. Does Shelley Long get the credit she's due?

Says Ken Levine: "Yes, she could consume a lot of rehearsal time, but that was just her process. And it was because she cared so deeply about getting it right. She’s a very good-hearted person. Trust me, I’ve worked with monsters. I’ve worked with actors who were mean-spirited, unhappy, and took a perverse delight in making everyone else around them unhappy too. That was not Shelley. She asked a lot of questions? And at times it was annoying. But so what? Look at the results. On the screen she was just luminous. She managed to take a character who easily could have come off strident, condescending, and insufferable and made her real, loveable, vulnerable, and funny. With all due respect to the gifted ladies who have won Emmys for Best Lead Actress in a Comedy over the last thirty years, I don’t think any can compare to Shelley Long."

Hear, Hear.

Great Lines: "I never saw anyone with so many silly pictures of themselves. You by your car, you with your cat, you on your pony. You by your car with your cat on your pony." (Sam to Diane, after being busted for going through her wallet.)

Season 2, Episode 4. Directed by James Burrows. Written by David Lloyd.

Plot: Against Sam's better judgment, Diane tries to help her former homicidal blind date Andy become an actor.

Opening Bit: Carla wears a fake baby bump to get better tips.

Why I Love It: The Andy-Andy episodes are all gold. Much like the Gary's Olde Towne Tavern episodes from the later years, you knew you were in for a treat when Derek McGrath was guest-starring as Andy Schroeder. (First appearance: Season 1, Episode 17, "Diane's Perfect Date.")

"I saw you kissing Sam! I saw you kissing Sam!" Later, I used this as a title for a Boat Chips song on the classic album Wild Boobies from Mars (1998.)

"Mommy! I'll clean my roo-oom, Mommy!"

So many great moments and lines in this one: Norm and Cliff's late springing-into-action once Andy's been disarmed, the performance of Othello at the end with Sam and Coach unsure which lines are Shakespeare and which are Diane's cries of mortal terror, the acting professor's mistaking said terror for inspired improvisation ("I love it - a Desdemona that fights back!") and this bit from Coach:

"Showfolk."

Somewhere along the way, I co-opted "Showfolk" as my "shrug-what-are-you-going-to-do" phrase of choice. (Coach says it in response to Andy's seemingly-unprovoked blood-curdling scream of rage.)

Great Lines: "He can spot an actor a mile away" "That'd sure come in handy at a drive-in." (Diane and Coach. Ahh, Coach.) Also, this bit from Carla:

 

"What time is the second show?"

Season 2, Episode 17. Directed by James Burrows. Written by Heide Perlman.

Plot: Carla has everyone convinced that the bar's new fortune-telling machine can predict the future. But does that include Diane's fortune that seems to indicate that her relationship with Sam could be in trouble?

Opening Bit: Norm has a blind date (that later turns out to be Vera.)

Why I Love It: A great little story about self-fulfilling prophecies, as well as sounding the inevitable (and intermittent) note of doom between Sam and Diane. Great and ambiguous ending - Diane is worried the machine's fortune (as mentioned above) coming true, so Sam decides to let it decide the fate of the relationship. The card he pulls? "Machine empty, order more fortunes today." Roll credits.

Great lines: "It's a sad world where Sam Malone is the voice of reason." (Also a line that I've pilfered for my own use on many occasions. I guess doing these blogs is sort of a confessional for all the Cheers lines I've peppered my conversation with over the years.)

Also: (Carla) "Who is the biggest bigwig of them all?" Answer:

"Sinatra!"

Back to Ken Levine: "Remember the old guy who used to sit at the bar? His name was Al Rosen. He became a semi-regular. He had lines in probably thirty episodes. His name on the show was Man Who Said Sinatra."

Season 2, Episodes 21 and 22. Directed by James Burrows. Written by Glen and Les Charles.

Plot: (pt. 1) A jealous Diane agrees to have her portrait taken by an arrogant, eccentric artist, even though Sam can't stand the guy and forbids her to do it. (pt. 2) Diane follows through with getting her portrait painted behind Sam's back. But the artist predicts that if she shows it to Sam, she will never see him again.

Opening Bits: (pt 1) Coach volunteers for everything for the picnic. (Pt. 2) Carla's offered a lift home that she redirects to her advantage.

Why I Love It: Cheers ended each of its first 5 seasons on memorable Sam and Diane notes and with one exception (Season 5) they each involved a third character as catalyst for their relationship development. Christopher Lloyd plays that role here, as the eccentric artist Semenko.

Bruce Jay Friedman once wrote of Hemingway's writing: "(Men of my generation) all loved it. We couldn't wait to go out and have our own doomed relationships." Great line. Me, though, thanks to Sam and Diane, I couldn't wait to get into a bipolar but passionate relationship that everyone else groused about. (And thankfully, got it out of the way nice and early.)

So much going on in these two episodes. Noel Murray sums it up pretty well so why grasp for my own wording? "My memory of this episode for years was that we didn’t see the painting (...) It wasn’t until I watched again a few years ago that I discovered that there’s actually a good long shot of that canvas. Which is strange, I agree. But I don’t think the painting is all that bad, really. Maybe that’s because I’ve been projecting Sam’s “wow” onto that space all this time."

I rather like it, too. I wonder who actually painted it? I'm sure the answer's out there somewhere.

I'm equally curious who painted this one but for very different reasons.

Back to Noel: "And what about that “wow,” huh? As Ryan has said, it’s easily one of my Top 10 TV moments of all time, because it’s so unexpected, and says so much about Sam Malone and where he is at this point in his life, since meeting Diane."

Well put.

Sam got so many poignant moments in seasons 1 through 5. This below is from a different one ("Dark Imaginings," Season 4) and is a little flat out of context, but it's another "Wow" moment for me.

Like Noel with the painting, I've remembered this one incorrectly over the years. My memory stubbornly inserts radio-baseball playing softly in the background, but in reality the only sound accompanying this is the sound of the rain.

If there was a fantasy camp one could go to where everyone only spoke in Children-of-Tama-style Cheers allusions - and God I wish there was - I would definitely use "Sam, his gaze through the hospital window" or something like that for "Getting old kind of blows."

Great Lines: "Once the trust goes out of a relationship, it's no fun lying to them anymore." (Norm.) 

"I told them I thought nuclear war was bad news."

(Diane) "Oh Sam, you've really kicked up a hornet's nest there..."

And this exchange between Diane and Semenko: "I make love to everything I paint!" "Your most famous painting is of the Harvard-Yale football game." "Yes, I spent three months in jail." (Good enough but Semenko adds:) "College types don't understand me!" (As a response / continuation to the subject at hand, this in and of itself is hilarious. And still further:) "I do however still get a few Christmas cards..." Ladies and gentlemen, the Book of Cheers. (Praise be to Cheers.)

Season 3, Episode 14. Directed by James Burrows. Written by Heide Perlman.

Plot: Diane gets mad at the guys when she finds out that they took Frasier on a "snipe hunt." But she also doesn't want them to tell Frasier that they played a trick on him.

Opening Bit: One of my favorite openers. Diane, if memory serves - by the way, the whole reason there is an "Opening Bit" portion of these write-ups is because this information is not, I discovered, readily available. You'd figure the official Cheers wiki would be organized at least that much. I guess I could edit that in myself, couldn't I? Well, one for a rainy day - is singing "Sunny Side of the Street" to herself, and the song is passed along from one person to the next until Coach enters, singing something entirely different.

Why I Love It: It's just a great little story. Watching Frasier turn the tables on the gang (who are somewhat sadistic about mocking him) is great fun. Frasier's ups and downs are some of my favorite parts of Cheers, but I'll save discussion of that for next time.

Great Lines: (Cliff) "I wouldn't want to infringe on you and Norm's good time." (Norm) "You're going to have to if you want to come along."

Season 3, Episode 16. Directed by James Burrows. Written by Tom Reeder.

Plot: Sam gets Coach's help to help him pass a geography class and get his high school diploma. But he eventually finds an easier way to pass the course. 

Opening Bit: Cliff asks Carla not to make fun of his ears. (One of the many occasions where Cliff naively bares his throat to the future Mrs. Lebec.)

Why I Love It: Easy. Alban-ia! Alban-ia! You border on the Ad-ri-atic. Your land is most-ly mountainous! And your chief export is chrome.

Coach teaches Sam his mnemonic device for retaining facts.

Great Lines: (Diane knocks on the door to Sam's office) "Go away." "Sam, it's Diane." "Go far away."

Season 3, Episode 21. Directed by James Burrows. Written by Heide Perlman.

I suppose it's silly of me to keep typing out "Directed by James Burrows," as he directed every episode until 1987. But I'm going to keep doing it.

Plot: Norm gets a promotion as a "corporate killer," but he's not sure that he can handle being the guy at the office who fires people. 

Opening Bit: Carla is left a quarter tip and calls the guy out on it.

Why I Love It: The subplot with Carla and Cliff is fun, particularly as it introduces Cliff's postal service nemesis:

Twitchell. He only appeared a handful of times, but man this guy cracks me up.

But it's better remembered for Norm's nightmare sequence. I always loved when they had sequences outside of the bar. And this sequence takes place in Norm's head, so extra points. 

The next episode discussed is from Season 4, so it is here we must say goodbye to Coach. Ted Danson relays a nice story in the DVD Special Features for Season 3. "When Nick had heart disease, he was getting less and less oxygen. There wasn’t a surface on that set that didn’t have his lines written down. There was one episode where a friend of Coach dies, and he says, It’s as if he’s still with us now. Nick had written the line on the wood slats by the stairs the actors would use to enter the studio. Nicky dies, and the next year, we’re all devastated, and the first night we come down the stairs, right there was his line: It’s as if he were with us now. And so every episode, we’d go by it and pat it as we’d come down to be introduced to the audience.

"And then, one year, they repainted the sets and they painted over the line. People almost quit. Seriously. They were so emotionally infuriated that that had been taken away from them."

1924 to 1985

Enter Woody. Whereas Coach was the old man, Woody was the kid. Same sort of innocent cluelessness, though.

Season 4, Episode 5. Directed by James Burrows. Written by David Lloyd.

Plot: (1985's Halloween episode) Diane dreams that Andy Andy has escaped from a mental institution and is coming to kill her. But when she wakes from her nightmare, Andy Andy shows up at the bar to ask a favor.

Opening Bit: Cliff, with a little help from made-up words like "Flork, flerd, and snaff," beats Woody in Boggle. Also, this is one of the few episodes where the opener has information relevant to the rest of the episode. In this case, that Diane is in Sam's office, napping.

Why I Love It: Diane is rocking some great hair in this episode.

Not that that's the sole reason for my approval. It's just a great episode all around. Fun twists and the ending is great.

Great Lines: "I'd just like to give my two cents, here. I couldn't give a damn one way or the other." (Norm.) Another line I've appropriated many, many times over the years. I love it not just because it's funny and a great representation of Norm but because it's even funnier when you picture it as Diane's dream-representation of Norm. She's distilled him to his essence.

Season 4, Episode 21. Directed by James Burrows. Written by Bill and Cherie Steinkellner.

Plot: Sam and Diane have a harrowing near-death experience as passengers on a plane flown by one of Diane's ex-lovers.

Opening Bit: Woody experiences anxiety at the impending arrival of a guy who arrives everyday at 5 o'clock and talks his ear off. ("No, it's not Mr. Clavin, Carla.") Frasier advises he just walk away from the man, which everyone does in the middle of Frasier's spiel. ("Oh, you merry band!")

Why I Love It: Another get-out-of-the-bar episode. But this one doubles as a great Sam and Diane episode, as well. Once Jack Dalton (and yeah, James Cameron, that name was taken, though hell, maybe it was a tribute. Something to harangue Leonardo DiCaprio about, if you ever meet him) fakes his death and Diane and Sam think they're going to die, they of course drop their masks and proclaim their desperate love for one another.

This episode has way more footage of the plane than I remembered. I have no idea what it's from. Stock footage? Model? Some Hollywood execs showing off?

Great Lines: "The crazy impulsive Diane I knew in Europe has turned into Ms. 9 to 5, play it safe, dare I eat a peach?" (Jack)

(Frasier) "Does the woman ever say no?" (Carla) "Only to you." 

(Sam) "A real guy doesn't have to jump on sharks and dodge poison darts just to prove he's a guy." (Diane) "I'm astonished." (Sam) "A real guy just has to score heavy with the babes, that's all."

I never noticed all the empty shotglasses in front of Diane at the end.

Season 4, Episodes 24, 25, and 26. Directed by James Burrows. Written by fellow Rhode Islander David Angell, who died on September 11, 2001, R.I.P.

Plot: Sam starts dating Councilwoman Janet Eldridge, leading Diane to campaign for her opponent. Janet pressures Sam to fire Diane, but she quits before he can. Councilwoman Eldridge presses Sam for a marriage proposal, but Sam remains noncommittal. She then dumps Sam after he and Diane create a scene at her press conference. The incident leads Sam to a proposal - but to whom?

Opening Bits: (pt. 1) Woody gets Italian arm wrestling lesson from Carla. (pt. 2) Gary Hart

pt. 3 - Woody makes a mini-cassette recording for his family back in Hanover, IN, which doubles as recap of the past 2 episodes, but when he plays it back, it's Winston Churchill's voice he hears, not his own. 

This is the pivotal storyline of the Sam and Diane years. Not just as the catalyst for their final season together but just such great interplay between them. And between Sam and Janet Eldgridge, as well. Sam's adventures with a different social strata provide much comedy. (As does Frasier's bitter self-loathing and pathetic devotions to Diane.)

The look on Frasier's face says it all. (As does the look on Al's)

Great Lines: These 3 episodes have plenty of fun one-liners and set-up-gags, ("Woody, can I ask you a question?" "Sure, if you're not fussy about the answer.") but taken individually or as a whole, these are exceptionally well-constructed stories. Spreading the Janet/Sam romance out over 3 episodes allows us to get to know them as a couple (however briefly) and believe in her and Sam's attraction to one another. She represents a real fork in the road for Sam - it's all handled so well.

Season 5, Episode 9. Directed by James Burrows. Written by Bill and Cherie Steinkellner.

Plot: Thanksgiving is approaching and no one has anything to do except Diane, who is among a select few graduate students one of her professors has asked to spend Thanksgiving with his family, celebrating in the pilgrim's tradition. Diane suggests that the rest of the gang spend Thanksgiving together in Carla's new home.

Opening Bit: Frasier's Rudolph rant.

Why I Love It: Classic ensemble comedy, this.

This ongoing gag with moving the TV at Frasier's expense cracks me up. Plus, these shots are such time capsule moments, aren't they? Not just the antique television set but hey, Hulk Hogan!

Great Lines: "This will be my first Thanksgiving away from home. Well, unless you count last year." (Woody.)

The closest we come to ever seeing Vera.

Season 5, Episode 21. Directed by James Burrows. Written by David Lee and Peter Casey.

Plot: Simon Finch-Royce, a British marriage counselor, has a pessimistic view of Sam and Diane's relationship; telling them any marriage would be short-lived, he suggests they break up. Diane refuses to accept this, and they repeatedly harass Simon until he tells her what she wants to hear.

Opening Bit: Norm goes to health club to do cannonballs in the swimming pool.

Why I Love It: In addition to comedy royalty stopping by (i.e. John Cleese) it's a fun example of when the real world intrudes on the delusional-but-sincere Sam and Diane bubble. His unswerving takedown of their relationship is so obvious and of course he's 100% correct, yet you want to believe he's wrong, the same way Sam and Diane do.

Great Lines: "Pretentious limey bastard." (Frasier.) Frasier's combination of wounded ego and barely-controlled-hostility are rarely showcased better.

Season 5, Episode 24. Directed by Tim Berry. Written by Phoef Sutton.

Plot: Woody's father thinks Boston is too dangerous a place to live and wants him to come back to Indiana. The gang decides to make a home movie to dispel his suspicions but fail to persuade him, especially after Diane takes their original footage and edits it to her own bewildering specifications.

Opening Bit: Woody explains his father's wishes to Norm, before Cliff appears to insist a vegetable is the spitting image of George Schultz. (That's the running gag with Cliff for Season 5.) Another rare one that sets up the rest of the episode rather than being an isolated joke. 

Why I Love It: Succinctly, because it's perfect. Encapsulation of characters? Check. Playing to cast members' strengths? Check. Sending up both pretentious and amateur filmmaking? Check. A script that moves effortlessly between laugh-out-loud funny and poignant / understated, with surprises to spare? Check. Sight gags? Check. It's a TV 101 for How To Write The Perfect Sitcom.

This particular gag - where Frasier is attempting to allay Woody's father's reservations about the psychiatric profession, while a man committing suicide appears in the window behind him - is so dark and perfect. Slays me everytime.

The bits in the Hungry Heifer are great, as well.

And another one where Al gets the last line. "You're welcome, kid."

Great Lines: Every last one. But here are just a few:

"Those Galatians, when will they listen?" (Sam, attempting to come across as a biblical scholar.)

"He's like the big brother I never had. Well, except for Tom." (Woody, re: Sam.)

"I don't know how you did it, but you made me look like some kind of a jerk. Movie magic!" (Cliff.)

"Besides, he thought it was derivative of Godard." (Woody, relaying his father's reaction to Diane's film.)

Season 5, Episode 26. Directed by James Burrows. Written by Glen and Les Charles.

Plot: Sumner Sloan, Diane's ex-fiancé and old English professor, tells her that he submitted one of her old unfinished novels to an editor at a publishing house, the editor who sees promise in it and sees the possibility of it being published. Diane hasn't yet finished it, in fact she hasn't written anything since she started working at Cheers. Sam secretly overhears their conversation, and thinks that their impending wedding may be holding Diane back in her writing career, something she's always wanted. Sam and Diane discuss her writing career in relation to their marriage...

Opening Bit: Carla attempts again to make sense of Sam's attraction to Diane and tricks him into revealing she makes him feel "oogy."

Why I Love It: Well, here we are. The end of the Sam and Diane era of television. She returns for the series finale and for an episode of Frasier, sure, but those are just postscripts. Much appreciated postscripts, but they'd mean nothing without this episode to rest on. 

It's amazing how much is packed into 20-odd minutes, really. We get a flash-forward sequence where we see Sam and Diane in an alternate future. We get a wedding (or a near-wedding.) We get terribly poignant (and understated) closure to the whole Sam and Diane saga, even as Diane is denying it's happening. And we even learn new and endearing things about Diane. An amazing balancing act. And with a lot of heart to spare.

That's Carla's real-life Dad behind her left shoulder. He gets some memorable moments in seasons to come.

This bit where everyone has lain bets on whether Sam and Diane will actually tie the knot is great.

Great Lines: "I've never been more alive in my life than when I was writing that. Which one was it?" (Diane, after learning one of Sumner's colleagues loved a book she wrote years ago. The name of the book is great, too: Jocasta's Conundrum. That's such a Diane title.)

"Norman, didn't you tell us Vera still had the figure of a younger girl?"
"That's right. It's tattooed on her back."

"I may not have been the greatest relief pitcher in the world -"
"Yeah you were, Sammy!"
(quickly) "Thank you." (The hilarity of this one is kind of hard to transcribe. I'm always amused by both how much of a hero Sam is to these dudes at the bar and how much he needs their adoration, even to the point of interrupting this big speech to Diane about following her dream.)

And possibly my favorite ending - television or otherwise - of all time, this lovely little bit where Sam, immediately after saying his deflected-goodbye to the love of his life, allows himself to imagine golden years with Diane that will never come to be, scored appropriately to "What'll I Do?" by Irving Berlin.

(A pretty mean version of this song was recorded by 5th season guest star ("Never Love a Goalie, pt. 2") Brent Spiner on his and Maude Maggart's Dreamland album, by the way - just FYI.)

Says Peter Casey: "We shot an ending where they got married. Then we released the audience, and shot the actual ending of her leaving. So anybody who was at the last show was probably out there saying, Hey, they got married!"

~

I'd like to end on this surprising anecdote from GQ's October 2012 30-year anniversary of the show:

Danson: I'll tell you about the worst day of my life. Shelley and Rhea were carrying that week's episode, and the guys were just, "Let's play hooky." We'd never done anything wrong before. John (Ratzenberger) had a boat, so we met at Marina del Rey at 8 a.m. We all called in sick, and Jimmy (Burrows) caught on and was so pissed. Woody and I were already stoned, and Woody said, "You want to try some mushrooms?" I'd never had them, so I'm handed this bag and I took a fistful. On our way to Catalina, we hit the tail end of a hurricane, and even people who were sober were getting sick. Woody and I thought we were going to die for three hours. I sat next to George, and every sixty seconds or so he'd poke me and go, "Breathe." [gasp] And I'd come back to life. 

I just love the idea of Sam, Woody, Norm, and Cliff, tripping balls in a hurricane off the California coast, playing hooky from the set.